Fuck it

I fell really hard on the pavement two weeks ago. My right palm slammed into the cement along with my right knee. I skinned my right elbow and knee and destroyed a pair of my favorite fingerless gloves. In my rush to save myself from extended embarrassment, I jumped up, dusted myself off, shook off the embarrassment and walked it off. 

My inner thoughts on rapid repeat - you're ok, I looked stupid, I went down like a ton of bricks, did I bounce? Was that guy laughing? What the hell is wrong with me? I can't even get up a flight of stairs! 

Instead of being kind to myself and allowing myself time to really collect myself, I rushed off like the little white rabbit. Time is wasting - things to do! I'm Late, I'm Late, I'm Late. In my rush to be 'fine', I even go to ballet class. This is where I find out not only am I not fine, I really hurt myself. I couldn't grip the barre with my right hand and I couldn't do a deep knee bend on my right knee. I 'muscle' through it because I'm not wimp. But smart enough not to push myself too hard. 

My right palm is still bruised. My right knee is not 100% and I'm at least smart enough not to push it. 

And because I'm completely self aware, I start to look at other areas of my life, where I've fallen down badly, hurt myself and jumped up trying to prove that I'm ok. I'm not the only person that does this. We all do it....and we all do it differently. 

Recently, I've decided to stop being the leaf in the wind, blowing whichever way life takes me. I've decided to take the path less travelled and be the me I've always wanted but was too afraid of trying because I might embarrass myself, I might fall down and look stupid, someone might laugh, or I might think 'what the hell is wrong with me'. 

It's been an interesting start. I'm working on writing a book. I'm learning French. I'm getting my certification to teach English as a Second Language. I'm opening an etsy store with my handmade journals. I've finally found the things in my life that make me BREATHE. Not just unconsciously inhale and exhale air, but the things that have been whispering in my ear, my heart, my soul throughout the course of my life. 

But of course, I wonder, worry, doubt if this is me running about like the white rabbit - NO TIME TO WASTE - I'm late, I'M Late, I'M LATE!! 

And I stop, get really still and very quiet, breathe in, breathe out and think - Fuck it. I might as well do what I want with this life. I'm not getting another. :)