Shit that Scares Me

I'm on a streak of doing things that scare me.

I told my boss of 9 years all the crap that I'd been editing, holding on to, or not saying at all because every time it was time for me to stick up for myself and call a spade a spade, I got angry about it. And as most people know, you can't be perceived as 'emotional' in corporate America. You can be friendly, funny, outgoing and personable - but you can't be emotional at all. You better like this shit and be happy YOU GOT A JOB! So imagine her surprise when in complete calm, I opened my mouth and bitch smacked her with the truth. When this two hour bitch fest was over, she was in tears and I was over it. Really truly without remorse or shame, over it. Here's all the shit I've been taking and how I FEEL about it.

Then my dance partner of 10 years, Neta, and I had a heart to heart about our belly dancing. We've decided to go our separate ways. We've been slowly and surely telling our community (Sorry if you are just now finding out) but our last performance as Hipnotic is November 4th. We still plan to continue belly dancing, teaching our students, and even agreed to still teach the turkish drop workshop together - but we are growing and we want to explore that without hindering each other. We are going to put up an official 'under construction' sign by the end of this year.

I have talked about living in a different country for as long as I can remember. I've even visited places I could see living for awhile. The most obvious concern is money - how do I fund a living outside the US? And the other day, Groupon provided the answer. I bought an online Teaching English as a Second Language certification course for a ridiculously low amount of money. I also think I'm going to sign up for a bartender class - teach english in the morning, bartend and belly dance at night.

So when I knew I would be free tonight because my advance students would not be available, I allowed MDB to talk me into coming to a Modern dance class tonight. MDB has been talking about this class for months now. So I agree to come tonight. And since I'm considering moving class to a different night, I might be available for this class every Tuesday....should I be so inclined.

I walk into Joel Hall and see WG, the instructor is on the floor stretching while reading the Red Eye. I announce "I'm taking your class tonight!" WG says, "I've only been waiting for TWO years. Alright, now!!" I reply, "Don't hurt me. I will disappear and go to the bathroom and never come back!" We both laugh as I approach the sign up sheet. I look over both sheets and start muttering "I'm gonna kill her. I'm gonna kill her! I can't BELIEVE she didn't tell me what class level this was...she is SO DEAD." I'd just committed to going to Modern Dance III. I haven't even been to a Modern Dance class in more than 12 years! Let alone a Modern Dance class for ADULTS!!

MDB is nowhere in sight. I gather my courage, sit on the bench and put on my slippers. Breathe in, breathe out. Then Ms. Long Hair walks up and says "Are you here for jazz or that other really hard class?" Breathe in, breathe out. "I'm taking Modern. Are you?" "Oh NO! You should take the other guys class on Sunday, it's much slower." With that Ms. Long Hair walks away to change. I swallow. Breathe in. Breathe out. MDB walks in and she's smiling at the look on my face. We exchange a greeting and some banner - mostly about me killing her. And then we start class.

WG thinks my fear is funny and he calls me to the front of the class by saying "Missy in the striped shirt, front and center. " Everyone turns to look at me and I toss my striped shirt on the floor, leaving me in a white tank top and look around too. We all laugh and get started.

I will spare you all the stuff I didn't do, feelings of foolishness, and other criticisms. After 90 minutes of trying, doing and sweating,  I was victorious. I didn't cower in the corner. I didn't give up before I started. I made my mistakes. I made WTF face. I squeezed MDB's ear. I squeezed MDB. I tried. I tried and I tried again. I was scared, but I did it. I enjoyed it. I'm going to do it again.

I guess I'll try dating next....that's definitely scary shit.