Again...and Again...and Again

I stopped going to ballet for a while. Most of August and part of September really. 

I needed to take a moment to recharge my batteries, refocus my priorities, figure out what direction I planned to go in next and how I was planning to get there. And while I must say, my batteries are definitely ready to go, I've got a lot of hard conversations ahead of me to refocus my priorities based on the pathway I'm scoping out. 

So this week, I've committed to picking back up the pieces that I'm planning to keep. Some pieces are going to remain in play until I can comfortably set them aside. Some pieces are going to fall to the wayside dramatically like forgotten children's toys and others will be deleted from existence with the click on my Facebook page. 

I went back to ballet tonight. I was late. I was handling another priority that I have long set aside and looked up as I finished with enough time to throw on the 'biking' sports bra (aka no hooks and not a lot of support) and grab the ballet 'bag' by the door. 

The class was full. I wasn't the last one to walk in either. I knew almost everyone in the class. I prefer to stand at the side barre....no full frontal contact with myself because I will just compare, compare, compare....is my leg high enough? turned out enough? thin enough? 'right' enough? Her's is higher, straighter, longer, leaner, pointy-er than mine.

I end up at a barre facing the mirror. It's a particular 'hell' that's saved for the floor part of ballet. 

But tonight....I'm in a different mental space. I don't criticize or compare myself. Menty, Physie and Side Bar have been silent for more than 6 weeks and they decide not to come out and play with me tonight. I don't think about size or height. I don't even think about being right or wrong (too much). I just do. 

I stay present. I stay with each moment...breathing in, breathing out...moving, listening, doing and being. 

I get combinations right. I get combinations wrong. I don't become afraid. I don't become angry. I don't let it discourage me or distract me. I try again....and again....and again. I turn in the wrong direction. I miss the beat. I catch the beat. I miss the move. Again....again...again. 

I felt like I was at home....again. Even when I walked in late, Joel Hall came around the corner, gave me a big smile and hugged me. Jackie, a dancer in the first company, smiled and hugged. Kareen smiled, hugged and said it was good to see Ms. Jatare. 

And if I wasn't already committed to being in a show in Milwaukee on Saturday, I'd be at Joel Hall's Dance Studio taking my corrections, remembering to breathe and hoping Mr. Hall didn't hop off that stool!!

It's nice to be back....again :)