My previous note titled Tribal Revolution 2011: Another Reason to Join the Circus is about the event in general.
This note is about me.
While completing the Hipnotic Tribal Revolution application, I felt an urge to apply to solo. My stomach fluttered and immediately my internal critics piped up: Who do you think you are?
But the urge was stronger, so I pushed them aside and completed my application.
As I Am by Alicia Keys is my favorite song. For those that don't know it, it's an intricate and intense piano piece with a lot of emotion. It's also only 1 minute and 54 seconds long, which is another reason why I love it so much. Some of the best things about life aren't long drawn out experiences - they are very specific moments.
I probably listened to this song more 500 times. I built, destroyed, deconstructed, reconstructed, revamped, revised and redesigned this short piece almost as often as I listened to it.
I had to override the belly dancer in me that wanted to articulate every little piece of the music. I had to acknowledge the novice in me that didn't know if I should use the whole stage or just own my little bit of space. I had to look at my strengths, my weaknesses, shortcomings, shortgoings (yes, I just made that up), and create something that I thought looked and felt like me.
A month before the event, I almost backed out. I didn't like what I had. I kept falling on the floor while trying to get up to three pirouette turns to put in the piece. My knee was having issues and I couldn't do the turkish drop like I planned. I felt like those were the only two things that I wanted to keep and the rest of the choreography was a disaster. My internal critics were vicious to the tune of: I told you so....
But I wouldn't give up - because if I've learned nothing from taking ballet - it's ok to be afraid, but it shouldn't stop me from living my life.
When I got the hafla line up, I was excited - then I realized I was in set 3. Each set was 10 performers long and I was in the last set - and number 9 to ice the cake. It was a blessing and a curse. My internal critics would eat me alive for more than 3 hours before I could perform, but maybe the audience would be minimal so my nerves wouldn't be so bad.
The show started around 8:15pm. With that many performers ahead of me, I focused on my student troupe performing in the first set, number 7. It was a collective choreography that I crafted and let them put in their own little choreography bits as well. Like a nervous hen, I watched them. They smiled, sassed and gave attitude to the crowd - just as planned. I loved it.
It felt like it was the longest hafla in the history of long haflas. I was convinced by my turn - the audience would be maya'ed, taxseemed, shoulder shimmied, body waved and chest popped into oblivion and it won't matter what I did because no one would be there to watch it and the people left would be so drunk they won't care if I danced in nothing but tassels.
At around 11:40pm, I was up. I walked into the room to find it still full. My stomach fluttered. My palms got sweaty. I took a deep breath and made my way through the audience as my introduction was made (which was short and funny because I couldn't think of anything). My heart beat as fast a hummingbird wings and I was almost convinced at the opening note, I would faint instead of perform.
And something amazing happened. My mind was silent, my breathing was even, my heartbeat returned to normal and when the first note came out of the speaker, I was present. I didn't slip into oblivion, zone out or go into automatic.
I didn't perform the choreography flawlessly (because it wouldn't be me if it was perfect) but for 1 minute and 54 seconds I pushed all of myself into every inch of that music and every moment of the song. I flung off a piece of jewelry and spun so fast an earring fell off, but I was there for every moment of it - the pirouettes (two), the turkish drop, every look, every hip shimmy, every arm gesture.
And when the last note was fading into obscurity, I took my bow, grabbed my missing pieces and RAN back to the empty dressing room. And as I took several deep breaths while still shaking from the excess adrenaline, the door opened and Therese from Daughters of the Dance ran at me with open arms and tears in her eyes.
And I thought "I did good."
I quietly received hugs from Nancy, Dawn, Amanda, Neta, Amirah, Leize, Greta, Danielle, Linda and few more until the show ended and then I was told in various terms by almost everyone of them something that sounded a lot like: If I ever perform a solo that short again they would break my ankles.
And I thought "Again?"
I think Audrey of Blue Lotus Tribe had one of the best compliments. She said, "You reminded me of why I love you so much."
Thank you all for your support.
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