Just Enough to be Dangerous

Originally posted May 8th
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Today was so much better than yesterday - other than it's Sunday and I have work tomorrow - gag!
No cat vomit, no neck cricks, and the television was off as were the lights and all other major electronic items. 

I get to Joel Hall Dance Studio and No David 2 is at the front desk, which is encouraging as he is a professional dancer (or was) and still teaches dance classes at the studio. I've only had a few 'front desk encounters' with No David 2 - so I'm hoping everything will be fine. 

I register easily enough and walk into class to find lil Ms. BabyMaker still teaching the Sunday noon class.  I haven't been to a Sunday class in months. I think Lil Miss is a touch crazy. Mr. Heinz ain't got nothing on this lady....I think. I haven't been to his class in more than 6 months. 

At any rate, we all line up at the barre. 
Side Bar: This is NOT going to END well. 
Menty: Didn't you say that yesterday?
Side Bar: It's still true....

There are 7 people in class, 5 women and 2 men. We line up at barre and with her baby strapped to her front, Lil Miss begins with plies. The plies are familiar - two demis, two grandes and a port de bra in first, second, fourth and fifth positions. 

And then she loses her everloving mind....
We have two tendu combinations - crazy as hell and crazy as hell on crack! The first tendu combination involved one slow, then two quick, first, second, back fifth position, second with the fourth count alternating plie, coupe in releve position then back to coupe, fifth - of course - we had to do that again. The second tendu combination went so bad I've blocked it from my mind -and you guessed it! We did it again. 

We move onto degages - we manage this one a bit better but we must do it -yet again. Sixteen degages at warp speed, followed by 8 eleves - followed by sixteen more degages at warp speed and 8 more eleves - wash, rinse, repeat. My thighs started crying - ok, they were sweating from the sheer volume and speed of the movement. I didn't think my legs could move so fast. But needless to say, my fat reverb was pissed!!

Side Bar mutters "Crashing and burning - all of us - crashing and burning..."

We head into rond de jambes battle weary. The combination was so long and convoluted, we all forgot the rest after the first 32 counts....parts of it on releve, reversing directions, half rond de jambes - rond de jambes in little l'air -grande l'air - all this at macho 10! 

"Ok everybody - we HAVE to do this right the first time because I CANNOT do this again." Side Bar blurts out. 

And I almost don't know what's worse - knowing I don't know and looking for someone in front to lead - or knowing I don't know and KNOWING NO ONE ELSE KNOWS WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON EITHER!!!!
And of course, we must do it again - resigned at having to repeat this debauchery, I attempt to do what I can remember at a speed I can manage since she's yelling about turnout and technique. 

Side Bar: And she is married and has reproduced? Who the hell married her? Rasputin?

The rest of class passes in a blur of frappes, fondus, battements, the LONGEST ADAGIO known to man in a BEGINNER CLASS EVER, jumps, and one traveling floor combination because we run out of time (Thank You Ethereal!!!)

I run out to spend an hour with  my Mom watching Mob Wives (nothing like quality time) before I get home to wash off the terror of that class. 

It's like starting all over again - but worse because I do know JUST ENOUGH TO BE DANGEROUS...

Almost, Maybe, Yes.....................

Originally posted on May 7th
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After the morning debacle, I retreated to an afternoon of reading, providing bachelorette party fashion and gift advice, and chatting with good friend and belly dance student, Dawn. 

I'm a little leery of trying this adventure, yet AGAIN, but I put on my big girl slippers and head out the door. It's misting outside and I must run to the vehicle to save my hair. (And yes, it's mine - refer to previous profile status for the update.) 

Mr. Not David is still at the front desk. David IS behind the front desk but only momentarily. I eye Mr Not David closely and approach ready to go from normal to crazy bitch in .00001 seconds if necessary. 
"I'd like to sign up for the 4pm beginner ballet class." I say while giving Not David the don't mess with me, man look. 
"Sure." Not David says, smiles...
Side Bar and Menty: Ummm...blink, blink..
Side Bar: What just happened?
Menty: Let's just grab the card and keep it moving!

I make it into class to find Ms. String Bean (the teacher) putting on her shoes. I drop my stuff and swap shoes and race over to the barre as she says:
"I'm typically a stickler for starting class on time, but the firemen are doing some fundraising which backed up the street, so that's why I'm late."
Side Bar: Is she talking to me? I know she ain't talkin to ME.....
Menty: Are we PMSing right now??
Side Bar: Maybe, possibly...no?

Anyway, Ms. SB asks me my name and then asks if I have any experience. 
"Yes, I've been taking classes on Monday, Tuesday and Thursday for the better part of a year." I say with a smile. 
"Ok, well, that's great. Each teacher teachs a bit differently so blah, blah, blah, blah.."Ms. SB platters on (insert eye roll so big I think I could see my neurons firing inside my brain). 
Side Bar: Why did you bother asking me if you were going to go all -I don't care who you learned with you will be my flunky - ummm I mean my student today??
Menty: When was our last time of month?
Side Bar: A week ago - can it!

Ms. SB starts with two demi's and one grande with port de bras for first, second and fifth position. 
Before we finish Ms. SB tells me my lay back is lovely, but I need to suck in my GUT...now I'm going to kick her ass. I'm kidding - almost, maybe..sorta. 

I let it roll and demonstrate it again while sucking in my 'gut' and we move into tendus with some arm and head business. I'm super focused now because I want to be a good - no- great- no fuckin' fantastic MDB pupil. I move through all the transitions with confidence and fluidity I only have on the BEST of days.

We work through the degage combination with piques and then rond de jambes. I get a compliment on my rond de jambes. (That's right damn it - no moving my 'gut' around!) We get into the frappes and I make a concerted effort to strike the floor (without breaking my foot) each time.  

After an adagio at the barre containing retir, to attitude, back down to fifth, and again to developpe in first, second and arabesque on both sides, we stretch at the barre in fourth and second position. The battements are done in some funky combination that we all screw up, but that's ok - I made sure I maintained my turnout and got my leg as high as possible - while trying to not hit my 'gut' in first position. 

We move to center floor and do our adagio and jumps. When we finally move to the traveling combinations, she has us do arabesque, balance, arabesque, balance turn, saute, saute, tombe, pas de bouree. Physie decides it doesn't like the balance and wants to do the balance turn both times. I cannot seem to persuade Physie otherwise - even when we go to the left.  Oh well...

Ms. SB tells me I had a great class and invited me and the other new girl to come back....as if my cash didn't give me an open invite to drop in whenever anyway - but if it makes her happy..."Thanks." I say and smile. 

So tomorrow I'm going to Mr. Heinz's intermediate class...or it could be the wine talking - and YES, I'm drinking...not a lot - but enough to make it sound like a reasonable/doable shin-dig. Tomorrow, folks - tomorrow!!

Almost, Maybe, No...........

Originally posted on May 7th
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I'm. Having. One. Of. Those. Days....
You know - when you get up and step in cat vomit, the television is still playing because you didn't turn it off last night, topped off by a giant crick in your neck making turning your head impossible? Yup - it's one of those. 

Due to no fault of my own (read my own damn fault), I have not been to ballet class in over almost two weeks. Last week Thursday, I skipped because I made dinner plans. The previous Tuesday, I couldn't lift my legs because over the weekend I helped teach a 2 hour belly dance floor work workshop (read a lot of thigh master slides, back bending and squats). This past Thursday I get my happy ass into my car knowing I'm going to see MDB - and no one else decided to come to class (yes, my regulars - I'm talking to YOU!). It was also Cinco de Mayo - and if I can be Irish on St. Pats - I guess everyone else can be Mexican on Cinco de Mayo. 

So this morning, I decide - nay - I DECLARE - I will take my expanding ass to class. Since you know how I woke up - I will skip to the part of actually arriving at the studio.  Determined and prepared, I get to the desk and find the new 'Not David' person taking registration. 

"I'm here for the 12noon beginner ballet class." I say with punch card ready. 
"You mean the 1pm." Not David states while reaching for my card
I snatch my hand and card back quickly. "Ummm...Nooooo...the 12noon class." I say again.
"There isn't a 12pm class - there's a one pm class. You must have been looking at Sunday." Not David says slowly like I might be slightly stupid. 

Side Bar: This is NOT going to END well....

"No. The website has a 12pm beginner ballet/ballet 1 class posted for Saturday AND Sunday. I would like to sign up for the 12pm today -not tomorrow." I say slowing but clearly LIKE I MAY BE DEALING WITH AN IDIOT. 

"The Adult Division Schedule is over on that table. You will see there is clearly no beginner ballet class today. But if you want you can sign up for Ballet 2 for 1pm." Not David says noticing that we have an audience and maybe talking to what WILL TURN INTO AN ANGRY BLACK WOMAN if he keeps talking to me that way. 

"Ok. Well, thanks anyway." I say and leave. 
As I get into the car and look through the paper schedule, I consider coming back for the 4pm beginner ballet class or just going to Bally's to work out. But now I can't find my DAMN Bally's card....

I think I may just try this whole thing out again tomorrow....MAYBE!

She made us do it AGAIN

Originally posted on April 26th
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I pack my aching hips and back with my ass into my civic and haul them collectively to Joel Hall. I register with Mr. D (David is still on hiatus) and I roll into class. Class is getting started with some barre facing plie business. I quickly slide into my ballet shoes, ankle warmers, place an apple on the piano and then run to a place at barre. There are 6 of us tonight - 5 women and 1 man. 

Lil Black Chick, the Swan and the Ponytail are in class tonight. The Ponytail has been a regular for awhile now. She's quiet and a little shy, but she warms up quick. My favorite first company dancer is in class tonight, but I'm not standing close to her. Just like I won't stand next to Spunk in Mr. Heinz class - really great dancers - but kinda intimidating to a beginner. 

Assuming the position, we all perform our plies without any fussing from MDB. But when we get to tendus - she's got the arm business going again. She shows us at least two times before emphasizing that if the arms are too much -just do the tendu. She starts heading to the iPod before Side Bar blurts: Can I just do the arms? 
MDB and class laughs. MDB agrees that I can do a tendu - so yes, I can just MOVE THE ARM, if I need to. 
Hey - you don't know if you don't ask.
Like MDB, I want it all - so I screw it all up in the process - sometimes getting the arm, but screwing up the tendu position - getting the tendu position but screwing up the head position. DEEP SIGH! 

I apparently was not quite alone in my "screwing up-ness" - MDB made us do it again on the right side. 

Relieved with tendus down - we move into degages. It should have been false relief. I'm so naive. If MDB can make pointing your toes hard....cockroach flickers are definitely NOT going to be easier. Unfortunately, I'm right. What the degage combination lacked in complete WTF-ness - it made up for in speed!! MDB made us do it again...both sides. 

Side Bar: She said she didn't have anything to fuss about, but she keeps making us do it again. 
Menty: She doing Jedi mind tricks. She's not telling us what's wrong - but she wants to see if we keep screwing it up....
Side Bar: Sneaky - very sneaky. 

Needless to say, rond de jambes and battements - do it again...and again. 

I was almost relieved again (I'm so stupid) to get away from the barre tonight until we got to the adagio. It was very short and fairly simple. And it would have been easy if someone else was carrying my giant leg around in arabesque, but apparently ballet isn't primarily a partner dance.

We must arabesque (stick your leg out in back and keep your supporting leg straight) and promenade (turn your ass around) while in arabesque - THEN you need to develope to the front (which means don't drop yo damn leg -bend it at the knee and pull it to the front). And of course, MDB -forever focused on something I'm not even thinking about - says: bring the hand to the front of the chest- as I'm promenading. Side Bar says: Fine, you hold my leg and I'll move my hand. You guessed it - MDB was laughing. 

We move onto some beat business. Beats while jumping involve slapping all of my thigh, calf and ankle fat together really fast -while trying NOT to shatter my ankle bones. MDB does not believe me when I say I can't do it. My thighs bounce off each other before my knees, calves and ankles get close to each other. I'm going to have to add that to the SHIT THAT LOOKS IMPOSSIBLE List. 

As we move into the traveling floor combinations. I'm not relieved. I'm not stupid either...I'm girding my loins. We all appear to complete these two combinations with varying levels of competency - but MDB makes us do the first combination three times instead of our standard two - apparently pique, balances with inside pirouettes are in high demand this month. 

We reverence to end class and MDB says that she will be teaching this Thursday and next Thursday. I'm going to miss this Thursday but I'm seriously thinking of getting her a different piece of produce. Apples worked for Snow White's evil stepmother but they don't seem to be working for me....