Everyone is familiar with Side Bar, Menty and Physie. But only my really close friends are familiar with Desdemona. Desdemona is the super evil bitch in my head that bullies me and makes me feel like shit. I'm only happy she not a twin.
Desdemona really gets outta hand when my dear 'Aunt Flow' arrives but I'm pretty good about ignoring her, but sometimes she makes me cry. Today was one of those.
As I'm getting dressed, Desde pounces.
Desde: Whatcha doing, fatso? Going to ballet....again? Adding one more thing to your list of shit you will suck at?
Menty: Who let you out?
Desde: You know that class is full of mirrors. You better be glad there aren't eyes in the back of your head. What happened to all that working out and eating right...seems like the only thing you are doing now is eating everything right in front of your face.
Menty: LEAVE ME ALONE!!!
Desde: There's not enough black in your wardrobe honey....Later...fatty.
I stop at my front door...I have a birthday party to go to immediately after class. I would need to leave after the barre anyway. Maybe I should skip ballet and finish working on the present...I hesitate. Then I give Desde a mental shove and go to ballet class.
I'm late because of the mental warfare. I have to line up to the barre with Lady Tattoo from first company, which makes me do an inner cringe. There is 14 of us when everyone finally settles in - 13 women and 1 man - and I'm the only fat one. I see Mac, Ms. J and Ashley of the Olsen twins, but this doesn't soothe me. So now I'm self conscious about my weight and intimidated by the first company and second company women that join me at the barre. I want to curl up in a ball and hide, but I don't. I focus on the combinations.
Plies include foot flexing, demis and grandes. Tendus including four regulars, one point, flex, turn in, turn out, point, flex, tendu to close through first, second, fifth and second. We move onto rond de jambes - first little halves, then full rounds, with a grande rond de jamb in front and back.
Lil Miss A (ballet instructor) makes us do it again and says: "You all look comfortable. I want you to be UNCOMFORTABLE! Work YOUR TURNOUT. Really DRAW UP on your supporting leg to get your moving leg through."
Desde: It's not your leg that's stopping you, honey. It's that giant thigh you got there. Round of ham, you called it Side Bar? Should be side of beef!
Menty, Side Bar, Physie: SHUT UP!
Desde: For now......
We move through onto frappes with petit battements flat and on eleve. We arrive at battements as one collective sweaty mess. The combination is simple - four battements, front, side, back, side - with attitude, and extensions in the first and fifth positions. And of course, we must do this again because we aren't 'engaging' our turnout. At this point, the relatively quiet baby starts cry.
Side Bar gets loose and tells Lil Miss A: She doesn't want you to be comfortable"
Everyone laughs. Lil Miss A turns on the music so we can try again.
Desde: You are trembling so hard that everyone at the barre is staring at you.
Menty: No, they aren't.
Desde: Oh, but they are. They see you struggling to hold that fat leg up...
Menty: Can you just leave me alone long enough to get through class? Can you just torment me later??
Desde: But this is so much fun...
Menty: Bitch!!!
We put the barres away and I make it through the standing battements, before turning tail and running out of there for the baby's birthday party.
I thought about not writing this note at all, but I've been honest this long, so why stop now? Not every story I write is going to be full of victory, courage and wit. All the fun stuff also comes with some crap stuff and that's what makes me human. There are those nights where I really just want to quit and never go back because I don't think I can do it or I just don't want to look at myself in the mirror surrounded by skinny women with super flexy feet, higher battements and better turnout than me.
So I pushed past Desde today, but I don't always....sometimes she does win. But thankfully, most times, I can just turn her volume to off and let her rant and rave in silence....so I don't give up before I even get started.
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