Ok - This Sh*t Hurts

I walk into Joel Hall and register to find a new promotion going - bring a friend and get a class free. www.joelhall.org for more details!!!

Anyone reading and interested - let me know - I'm your friend :). So if you need some courage or you just want to try - you couldn't be in better hands. Ummm - just don't read the title, ok?

I'm getting putting on my shoes and ankle warmers when Wavy Ponytail rounds the corner. She's a Tuesday regular but she's kinda quiet. I always say hello, but I didn't give her a nickname. Lil Black Chick rounds the corner as well and I haven't seen her in awhile. We smile and chat. The Young One comes around and puts on her pointe shoes. I haven't seen her since we did battle for front spot. I think she's been avoiding me by going to Monday night class :) 

We line up at the barre. The Young One assumes her regular position. Wavy, Lil B and I opt for the non-frontal barre positions and line up behind each other. MDB gives us our plies and we're off - two demis and a grande, port de bra, releve, plie and on to the next position. 

The Young One is wearing pointe shoes. MDB gives her pointers (pun intended) and the three of us watch quiet and unenvious of the painfully beautiful slippers on her feet.

Side Bar: I could see us in pointe shoes

Menty: That's one of the most positive statements from you in a long time

Side Bar: I wasn't finished - I could see us in pointe shoes...breaking our ankles!!

Menty: Ok - you can shut up now. 

We move onto tendus, degages, rond de jambes with arabesque, frappes, and battements. Through them all, MDB goes through making corrections for all of us and continues to give pointers to the Young One. 

We move to the adagio. It was terrible. My a false, a carte and hey ho hey - was all in the wrong directions....and so was everyone else's!! We are all trying to look at each other to see who was doing it right. Finally MDB took mercy on us and got us going - but we couldn't keep it straight. So of course - we had to do it again. 

After we butchered that poor combination, we moved into traveling combinations. The first combination went well. We had some tweaking to do, but we did ok. The second combination was tour jete - which can look like some sorta karate move when done incorrectly. MDB shows us slowly - which we do - and screw up. And then she let's us do it quickly - TIMBER!!!  

Ok - none of us go down, but I had a few close calls. We finish with pique turns and I'm a little gun shy. I've fallen to the floor three times this month on  my right hip while executing turns.  And while I'm all for falling down and getting up - the falling down shit - HURTS!!!

Missing My MDB

Originally posted March 25th

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I went to class last night. I wasn't 100% sure that MDB would be there, but I was hoping. 

I thought she would be there on Tuesday, but no - I met thin chicks 1 & 2 instead. I don't know if I will see them again, but I do know that I MISS my ballet teacher. 

As I'm registering I see MDB round the corner and we smile. I wrap my business with David quickly so I catch her up on what's been going on in my 'other' classes and though I know she will read my 'adventures' I still want to tell her the missing parts. The things that I can't possibly get into 4 paragraphs of determined mind mutterings. 

When we walk into the vacated dance studio, I line up to the barre with Mac, Mary Kate and two other women. We are five tonight but we are determined. It's cold in the studio and we stay bundled in clothing. I only mention this because off and on between combinations, MDB has to take off a layer to show something and then puts it back on because it's cold.  We start our barre exercise with MDBs' usual plies - two demi's and a grande. 

The rhythm of her speech, the sound of her voice, the familiarity of the plie combination and I'm comforted. Each teacher has their own bag of tricks, combinations, methods and leanings - releves are important, turnout is important, the proper arabesque, thumb tucked, elbows back, balance, and on and on and on....

But right then, I felt like I was at home. I was safe and even if I screwed up - it was ok because its MDB and I'm worth correcting - because she knows me - not just because I paid for class.

And of course, because it's MDB now she starts adding crazy combinations in there that we are keep screwing up. It's all good until she concocts some seemingly simple combination of tendus that go from demi to full point, but then she drops in a plie, a couple quick ones and then the accompanying arm gesture - and GET OUT OF THE WAY - CRASHING AND BURNING - DANGER WILL ROBINSON -DANGER!!!

We all go down like a ton of bricks - not literally, but damn near.

Menty: That wasn't so bad

Side Bar: Yeah, if you don't look in the mirror

Menty: Deal!

Thankfully, MDB has opted to let us slide on doing it again. If she had actually missed us - she would have made us do it again...and possibly again :) She's a little twisted that way, but of course we love her anyway. 

We seem a little more apt at the degages, rond de jambes, frappes and battements - but just a little more. I don't want to give the impression that we rocked it...

We stretch and move away from the barre and line up for our adagio. We do alright with our port de bra, balance, plie spin, rond de jambe combination, but we must do it again because the timing is off. And because the timing is still off - we do it yet again.

Side Bar: Ok, so maybe she missed us a little. 

Now that we've massacred that combination, we move into echappes - my frenemy. I survive that combo with both knees intact and we move into our traveling combination, which includes some sorta balkan hopping step and an assemblage. And I must add that I'm not nearly as afraid of the assemblage, glissade and sissone as much I use to be. My mind will probably boggle at them all together still, but as long as it's not super fast - I think I could manage it!

Class ends and I walk over to MDB. We hug. She confirmed that she would only be teaching Mondays and Tuesdays for the upcoming summer. I hug her again. I've been missing her. 

F**kin Friendly Hormones!!

Originally posted on Tuesday March 22nd

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I took today off because I was sick. And like a bad patient, I can't sit still all day, so I go to class. 

I decide I will just stay through barre if I'm feeling to unfocused, but I wanted to see MDB because I haven't seen her in a week or so. 

I walk into Joel Hall and four people - 3 tall thin women and 1 tall man are at the desk. They are staring into the fish bowl where Miss B is teaching a pointe class. I, too, am in awe, but I must register.  As I register with David, he says "they are going to your class." and gestures to the two thin women to my right. I laugh. "My class? That's funny." I gather my things, walk back to Studio B and start the winter strip tease. 

Within moments of my sitting, the two thing women round the corner and sit down RIGHT BESIDE ME!! 

Side Bar: UGH! F**KIN FRIENDLY HORMONES!!

They start talking to me as if we've been taking classes together forever. 

Thin Chick 1: Are you really good?

Side Bar: Why, bitch? 

Menty: Side Bar!

I actually say: Depends on what you mean by good. 

Thin Chick 2: How long have you been taking classes?

I say: Since last May.

Thin Chick 1: This is my first dance class ever and I'm nervous, but my friend's a dancer. 

I say: Great. 

Missy rounds the corner and we walk into class. Missy introduces herself and we get started at the barre. 

I tell them that the barre is typically the 'easy' part, if there was ever an easy part of ballet. The Swan has joined the group and we both kinda laugh at that. 

Missy is kind tonight. She loves to make us releve, but she goes very slow tonight because there are only 5 of us and two are very beginner. We move through our two tendu and degage combinations before the newbies cry mercy.

Thin Chick 1: I can't remember the combinations!! I know I'm not doing it right, but I can't remember WHAT I'M SUPPOSE TO BE DOING!! I have to keep watching you. 

She says this while looking at me. I tell her that's ok. I was in the same boat - and I STILL DON'T remember all the combinations. 

Side Bar: Oh! Just wait for the floor combinations! Those are the real ass kickers. 

Menty: No kidding. 

Physie: Like you two do ANYTHING!

We move onto the rond de jambes, fondus with coupes, and battements.  At this little break, Thin Chick 1 confesses that she's just been watching me the whole time. To which I apologize for leading her astray several times during the combinations!

We move to the floor. We handle a short adagio with tendus, coupes, chasse, and a pirouette turns. We jump and then we start the traveling combinations. Our last combination is hops, skips and a grand jete. Missy is trying to explain this to the newbies which pretty much have WTF face the whole class.

Thin Chick 1 now refuses to go with anyone else across the floor because she wants to go with me so she can watch me. Again, I apologize for leading her astray and promise to do better through the hops, skips and leap, because I actually really like this combination. 

We move across the floor once and she struggles. Missy tries to explain another way and we go again. She struggles some more. Finally, I just say: Think of it as a hop on one leg, a skip on the other and then a running leap. We go again - she got it. She thanked me for explaining it that way. Hopping, skipping and leaping - all American - that "French" stuff is too complex!! LOL

So we finish class on that note. As we dress and prepare to leave, they talk about being nervous coming to class. They wondered if the people in class would be competitive, snobby or impatient. I told them this is a BEGINNER BALLET CLASS - none of us are auditioning for the Joffrey or River North. And this isn't really 'that' kinda place. I've never had a class where everyone was frustrated because I didn't do something right. But you still need to be open to correction - even if you are embarrassed. Then the conversation takes an unexpected turn -they talk about being uncomfortable in their bodies, creating the movements, etc....

Side Bar: Don't make me kill you.....I was just starting to like yo skinny asses. 

I jokingly tell them NOT to start. We all have our issues. 

Mine happens to be these fuckin friendly hormones that make skinny women think I'm approachable - but that I keep to myself....

Means You Take Up Less Space

So yesterday I packed up my tush and drove it to Joel Hall dance studios. 

It was fairly empty in the hallways because there was an untimely heat wave that blew through the city. 

David is behind the front desk and asking for my card, but I don't hand it over. I don't see anyone and I'm thinking class will be cancelled. David said there was 7 people in class last week - chances are good that class will go. 

I hand over my card and stare into the fishbowl where more than 15 people are being tortured...ummm instructed by Ms. B. I see looks of frustration, confusion, concentration, concern and even a few gazes at Ethereal. I see Lil Red demonstrating a combination and I'm not surprised. 

As the first and second group rotate in and out of the combination, I continued to watch Lil Red. She is watching Ethereal. She is neither flustered or frustrated - and if she is - she's got the best damn game face ever -note to self - never play poker with Lil Red. 

Between rotation, Lil Red winks at me and waves. I wave back and smile. She's fantastic which is why MDB let her sub anyway. As I watch, a voice from my left starts talking to me. I turn my head to see the skinniest woman alive. 

Side Bar: I think she's talking to us.

Menty: Why?

Side Bar: Fuckin' friendly hormones...

Yes, she is talking to me because she remembers me from her first class. And yes, she is here to take ballet fundamentals. I almost forget that MDB will not be teaching class tonight, but then I see Miss M and I remember. So not only will I be in class with Tall but Tiny Tiffany -there won't be any comedy relief either. 

Miss M introduces herself again and only the two of us line up at the barre. I'm tempted to put as much space as possible between us, but it would have been too obvious. I put a barre length between us and settle in for the plie combination. Miss M is kinda bubbly in that 'I teach small children all day way' - because she does. 

We make it through the plie and tendu combinations with compliments all around. I'm tempted not to believe her because she probably compliments all the kids in her classes too. TTT apologizes to me for screwing up the combination when we are facing in her direction - I tell her it's fine. 

Side Bar: It's fine because I'm not watching you!! 

Menty: Cool it - she probably watches us when we are the first in that direction and she assumes the same. 

Side Bar: she'd be WRONG!!!

We move through another tendu combination, degages, rond de jambes, frappes, and battements. Throughout the combinations, again, Miss M is nothing but compliments. She doesn't make us repeat combinations that have been clearly screwed up. We do barre and floor stretches before moving into an adagio. The adagio was simple and complex - as most adagios go. The she followed it up with a balance combination which was quite fun. She asked us if we wanted to do jumps or turns.

TURNS PLEASE! If I can avoid jumping - I'm all for it.

We do pique turns twice in each direction and finish class with a reverence.  

It was a good class. I was happy with my skill and technique when I was done. 

And I remembered something very basic that I know when I'm belly dancing but forget when I go to ballet: Being thin does not make you a better dancer - it just means you take up less space. 

Not Bad...but Not Good Either

Originally posted on March 14

After having a fun filled St. Patty's Saturday (into Sunday morning), I woke up feeling more like myself than I have in at least two weeks. I know I'm going to class because I know I'm going to miss Tuesday night class. 

I dress without criticism or commentary. No one is talking me out of going, no one thinks anything about my thighs, no one is driving me crazy.

I walk in, get registered -Sunday classes are still HALF OFF! - and get situated at the barre. Before we can get started we are moved into the fishbowl. Lil Miss A gets down on the floor and makes us do these weird leg extensions from a seated position - we must hold out right leg extended and rotated in the air for 8 counts - then opposite leg - then back to the right with bending and flexing of the feet for another 8 counts.

When we get back to standing, my legs are still trembling, but I'm fairly stable. Ms. J, Ashley (of the Olsens), and Legs (formerly known as Tall Black Chick) are in class as well. There are some first company members, second company members, another instructor and some other beginners - class rounds out with 14 women and 1 man. 

Now it's Barre time. Lil Miss A is a big fan of being uncomfortable - You should NOT be comfortable in class! 

Side Bar: Yes, yes, we know - uncomfortable, uncomfortable, turnout, turnout -says the crackpot with a baby plastered to her chest, wearing mismatch socks and refers to her chest as milk jugs. 

We all make it safely through plies, two sets of tendu combinations and degages before we must 'Do It Again'. The rond de jambes combination had more piques than anything else. During the demo - we all looked at each other as if to say: Was that a rond de jamb combination with piques or a pique combination with a few rond de jambes in there??

So we screw that up - A LOT - ON BOTH SIDES. 

Side Bar: 4, 3, 2,...

Menty: Why are you counting?

Side Bar: We are doing this one again

Menty: Fo Sho!!

Lil Miss A says,"Not bad, but not good either. You need to take your pelvis with you every time! And don't forget your turnout - It's the worse thing in the world. "

Side Bar: I don't see any pelvis' just laying around, do you? My pelvis is right where it's always been - located between my hips.

Menty: Figure of speech - we need to pay attention..

Side Bar: If we are having this discussion - Too Late!! 

We make it through the rond de jambes with another - not bad comment, but she moves on to frappes. We survive the frappes and battement combinations - but we must repeat those again as well. She has just made it through the demo of the adagio when she realizes after making us do three full combinations again - we only have 10 minutes left of class. 

There are so many of us that we must be split into groups. The adagio requires a lot of balance and strength. There is quite a bit of leg lifting, four balances, two piques, at least one pirouette and a partridge in a pear tree. And just because class is over - doesn't mean class is over. We must do our jumps - 8 in first, 8 echappes, 8 changments - gag! But away we go. 

All in all - not bad...but not really good either. And I'm aching - again. Could have been from dancing off and on all Saturday AND going to two dance classes. 

The instructor for hip hop was also in ballet class, so she was ok with me being late.

Beginner hip hop was fun - less formal, more fluid, no vocabulary :) But that's another story. 

All Couraged Out

Originally posted March 11th

I didn't go to class last night. I've been keeping a stiff upper lip all week.

Desde, Side Bar and Menty have been quiet since Wednesday and the silence is deafening. I guess I never realized how MUCH talking goes on in there until everyone shuts down.

The mirror won last night. I conceded defeat until I have courage enough to look again. The idea of going into class last night was more than I could bear. And part of it has to do with the way I feel about how I look and then being surrounded by everyone I would prefer to look like instead. So I didn't bother going through the closet. I didn't talk myself into getting into my car. Bonus that I knew MDB would not be teaching - if she was, I would have felt even more like crap for ditching.

Instead, I drew myself a bubble bath and read Chicken Noodle Soup for the Woman's Soul looking for encouragement. It's really hard when you aren't happy with the way you look. And as if there is some sick comsic ironic joke going on - I've been called beautiful more this week than I have probably my whole freakin' life. It's one thing to hear, another to accept it, and something completely different to believe it's true.  And it has nothing to do with humility.

I was just all couraged out.....

Where is Everyone?

This adventure was originally posted on Tuesday, March 8th
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I sat on my bed gathering my courage for class tonight. My friend and dance student, Madam D, told me last night that she wanted to smack the shit outta Desdemona. She said it with such hostility that I almost reminded her that its the name of a voice in my head - and we unfortunately couldn't be separated - and DON'T SMACK ME!!

So as I sat gathering, my mind wandered. Desdemona was nowhere to be found. Side Bar was MIA. Physie is always present - and aching, but accounted for nonetheless. I give myself the once, twice, thrice over. Nope - still not happy with what I see. Should I go to class? Should I stay home? Neither option was really appealing, but dancing always makes me happy - and seeing MDB is like a cherry on top. 

I'm finished gathering, so I change into my dance clothes - and then I change into different dance clothes....and then I change one more time when I realize I'm not going to find what I'm looking for - a slimmer body isn't in the closet. I sigh, turn off the light, close the closet door and head for the front door. I'm late, but I run back for MDB's red apple. 

I make it to class and MDB is just going through the first round of tendus at the barre. I round out the class making it 4 people - 3 women, 1 man - 2 of them are from second company. MDB turns around and heads toward me, we hug and I hand her a huge apple, then I run over to the barre.  I started to line up behind the woman from second company, but she was facing the mirror - and I just wanted to avoid the mirror tonight. 

We go through tendus facing the barre, then our usual plies with releve this time, more tendu combinations with some flexing business and port de bras, degages with pas de cheval in first, second, and fifth. We move to rond de jambes and I'm waiting to hear Desdemona pipe up - but it's all silence tonight. Even Menty -my encourager is missing. It's just me, myself and I.  I move through rond de jambes and head into frappes - and the ball of my foot kept getting stuck. We do leg stretches at the barre and then swing our battements in attitude and extended. 

We move to center floor and do an adagio to a different angle which threw me off, but I think I recovered ok. We had to promenade in arabesque for a whole rotation - then last one I almost lost it so I hopped :) - oh well. My name isn't Grace. We move on to echappes and I'm at least getting the right arm placement with the legs - where as before it was too much to even do the arms with the legs. We follow this with other little one legged jumps that look really cute. Then we move to the side and do chasse, pas de bournee, pirouette combination ending with a glissade and assemblage. Before I would have cringed at glissade and assemblage - especially together, but I'm not scared anymore. I still don't perform them with much expertise, but it's getting easier. Then we do prep for this really hard kicking, spinning twist...don't ask. It will eventually be called a tour jete - but I'm sure it's going to be called the Face Plant. 

The hour and thirty minutes seemed to fly by. I hug MDB one more time before she heads off eating her apple and teaching the second company ballet class and I head to my car. Even as I write this, my usual voices are silent. It's strange and pleasant all at the same time. But....where is everyone??

NOT Giving Up Before I even started

Everyone is familiar with Side Bar, Menty and Physie. But only my really close friends are familiar with Desdemona. Desdemona is the super evil bitch in my head that bullies me and makes me feel like shit. I'm only happy she not a twin. 

Desdemona really gets outta hand when my dear 'Aunt Flow' arrives but I'm pretty good about ignoring her, but sometimes she makes me cry. Today was one of those. 

As I'm getting dressed, Desde pounces. 

Desde: Whatcha doing, fatso? Going to ballet....again? Adding one more thing to your list of shit you will suck at?

Menty: Who let you out?

Desde: You know that class is full of mirrors. You better be glad there aren't eyes in the back of your head. What happened to all that working out and eating right...seems like the only thing you are doing now is eating everything right in front of your face. 

Menty: LEAVE ME ALONE!!!

Desde: There's not  enough black in your wardrobe honey....Later...fatty.

I stop at my front door...I have a birthday party to go to immediately after class. I would need to leave after the barre anyway. Maybe I should skip ballet and finish working on the present...I hesitate. Then I give Desde a mental shove and go to ballet class. 

I'm late because of the mental warfare.  I have to line up to the barre with Lady Tattoo from first company, which makes me do an inner cringe. There is 14 of us when everyone finally settles in - 13 women and 1 man - and I'm the only fat one. I see Mac, Ms. J and Ashley of the Olsen twins, but this doesn't soothe me. So now I'm self conscious about my weight and intimidated by the first company and second company women that join me at the barre. I want to curl up in a ball and hide, but I don't. I focus on the combinations.  

Plies include foot flexing, demis and grandes. Tendus including four regulars, one point, flex, turn in, turn out, point, flex, tendu to close through first, second, fifth and second. We move onto rond de jambes - first little halves, then full rounds, with a grande rond de jamb in front and back. 

 Lil Miss A (ballet instructor) makes us do it again and says: "You all look comfortable. I want you to be UNCOMFORTABLE! Work YOUR TURNOUT. Really DRAW UP on your supporting leg to get your moving leg through."

Desde: It's not your leg that's stopping you, honey. It's that giant thigh you got there. Round of ham, you called it Side Bar? Should be side of beef!

Menty, Side Bar, Physie: SHUT UP!

Desde: For now......

We move through onto frappes with petit battements flat and on eleve. We arrive at battements as one collective sweaty mess. The combination is simple - four battements, front, side, back, side - with attitude, and extensions in the first and fifth positions.  And of course, we must do this again because we aren't 'engaging' our turnout. At this point, the relatively quiet baby starts cry. 

Side Bar gets loose and tells Lil Miss A: She doesn't want you to be comfortable"

Everyone laughs. Lil Miss A turns on the music so we can try again.

Desde: You are trembling so hard that everyone at the barre is staring at you. 

Menty: No, they aren't. 

Desde: Oh, but they are. They see you struggling to hold that fat leg up...

Menty: Can you just leave me alone long enough to get through class? Can you just torment me later??

Desde: But this is so much fun...

Menty: Bitch!!!

We put the barres away and I make it through the standing battements, before turning tail and running out of there for the baby's birthday party. 

I thought about not writing this note at all, but I've been honest this long, so why stop now? Not every story I write is going to be full of victory, courage and wit. All the fun stuff also comes with some crap stuff and that's what makes me human. There are those nights where I really just want to quit and never go back because I don't think I can do it or I just don't want to look at myself in the mirror surrounded by skinny women with super flexy feet, higher battements and better turnout than me. 

So I pushed past Desde today, but I don't always....sometimes she does win. But thankfully, most times, I can just turn her volume to off and let her rant and rave in silence....so I don't give up before I even get started. 

Showing Off

Originally posted on Friday March 4th - after class on Thursday March 3rd.


I know I made you wait for it this time, but I got home kinda late and just wanted to shower and fall into bed. 

I actually wanted to go to class tonight even though my belly was still sticking out like I was carrying twins.

I can't remember the exact number of women, but I know there was one guy from second company in class. I think there were 9 of us total, but I was kinda relieved to have people in class. I love MDB and all, but it was scary to have my first private ballet instruction be sorta impromptu. My desire to do everything right and knowing that I don't have the technical ability to do everything right had an all out war on Tuesday.

I line up in the Young One's spot (again -don't worry - she wasn't there). And MDB gives us our usual plie combination, but she skipped the releve part - but I can't remember if that's a function of it being fundamentals or just an oversight. I don't remind her :)

We move through our plies to be hit with two different tendu combinations - nothing overly difficult but unexpected is fair to say - so we do some pointing and flexing business with some plies to keep my little neurons firing. We head into degages then rond de jambes then frappes. We skip the usual barre stretch in between and go straight into battements. The battement combination wasn't so treacherous but I still manage to screw it up.

We finish barre stretchs and then we can get water or stretch some more. Since I've stretched out a bit, I decide to stretch my thighs and hips for a turkish drop. Feeling really good about my ability to do one - I go into a slow turkish drop. I have the whole class' undivided attention after that. Everyone is now sitting on the floor. I tell them that we (Hipnotic) do those (turkish drops) out of turns sometimes. MDB walks back into the room and she wants to know why we are all on the floor. Feeling a little like brushing my shoulders off (confident and slightly cocky), I volunteer to show her my 'circus' trick. And viola - second turkish drop with a little more speed.

Second company guy and MDB both say the same thing: You should go to Modern dance class.

We move to echappes - and my arms are ALMOST right this time. Three of us have 'floaty' arms instead of sharp ones. So the last rounds of jumps, I just work on the arms instead of jumping.

We move into our adagio and Lil L keeps moving closer and closer to me in the process. She's a little taller than MDB -possibily the same weight. She's fairly young and apparently has NO IDEA that she is about to get too close to a sleeping tiger (YES! THAT WOULD BE ME.) So before we actually perform the adagio, I politely ask her to move out of arms reach of me.  "Oh, sorry. I seem to move forward during the marking." Lil L says. "That's fine. As long as you remember to MOVE BACK." I say and smile.

Menty: That was kinda bitchy....

Side Bar: I didn't say Step Off Bitch - that's as good as it's getting today....

Lil L seems to keep moving towards me. Before I lose my temper and embarrass her in class, I offer her my spot in the front left corner. She looks a little hesitant to accept, but for her own safety and my desire NOT to maim her little ass - I walk pass her to her spot. She moves quickly out of my way to the front spot and does a GREAT job of staying there. We manage to get through the floor combinations and traveling floor combinations without any other 'space' incidents.

But seriously, I totally loved the look on everyone's faces when I did a turkish drop....everyone responded with a collective jaw drop. I might not get ballet, but I sure as hell get Tribal belly dancing :)

If you are interested in seeing what I do: www.hipnoticdance.com -and check us out on our youtube channel.

I wonder if our 30 minute tv special is still playing in Evanston....(Yes, I'm showing off :))

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