Starting at the Beginning...Again

I hate missing ballet class. I hate it because no matter how long I've been going - I start emotional back at the beginning. 

Side Bar has hit repeat button on my insecurities - I'm too old, too fat, too 'anything' to do this. To add insult to injury, I tried something else new and hurt myself - Power Flow Yoga. 

I'm looking at myself in the mirror before class and I'm seriously considering getting under the covers and trying again tomorrow. I walk away from the mirror, put on my coat, scarf and gloves and head out the door. 

Once inside Joel Hall, I still feel like an impostor. Every step I take towards class makes me feel heavier and heavier, but I keep moving. I can hear MDB inside teaching another class and I peel away my layers and feel exposed. I chit chat with the Olsen twins (both Mary Kate and Ashley) have put in an appearance tonight. I tell them their nicknames. 

When I see MDB, we hug, I give her an orange and we take our places - she leads the class, I follow from my front barre position. There are 10 people in class tonight -9 women and 1 man. The man is actually an instructor and only stays for the barre portion of class.

MDB starts and I listen carefully to her slight southern accent reciting the usual plie combination. Then she recites a tendu combination, a degage combination, a ronde de jamb combination and frappe combination. She fusses at the end of each combination - do this, not this - watch for this, correct that - higher, lower, straighter, taller.  She even gets someone's 'ting' muscles - someone else's - NOT MINE!

I'm starting to feel less self-conscious. We stretch at the barre and then we go into battements. 

Menty: Just when we start feeling comfy...

Physie: Ummm....hips still ache from Power Flow Yoga.

Side Bar: Well then this should go really well! Or go straight hell....let's see shall we??

The battements are actually pretty decent. I still practiced while out in San Diego, but I couldn't do some of the more complicated combinations so I just stuck to the basics - plies, tendus, degages, frappes, rond de jambes and battements.  MDB actually tells me that the battements look better. 

Menty: Awww...shucks! Take THAT Side Bar!

We move into tendus forward and back, then degages forward and back - then sucker that I am (false sense of security) - MDB hits us upside the head with sissones! A sissone is a jump that starts with two feet and lands on one. And while the technique looks simple - it can also make you look QUITE STUPID when you aren't looking the right way or doing it incorrectly. Not to mention I hate jumping because my TWO TWINSare always in danger of breaking loose and knocking me UNCONSCIOUS! And NOT ONLY does she want us to do it forward - she also wants us to do it backwards!! At which point, Side Bar cuts loose with: Ok, we will do it forward and SOME OF US will DO IT BACKWARDS! I WILL NOT BE ONE OF THEM. 

I survive sissones without black eyes, injury or too much humiliation but then we move into traveling floorwork, which MDB also fusses through - but we actually make it through ONE exercise without fussing - Saute, Developee in BOTH directions no less. THIS IS TOTALLY NOTEWORTHY!!

We end class with a reverence and applaud MDB for another class survived. Before I leave, MDB and I hug two more times. Even if I don't start off technically from the beginning, I hate battling my insecurities every time I'm gone for a little while - but I keep pushing forward - even if I feel like I am starting at the beginning - again and again - and again. 

Tomorrow, Beginner Ballet/Ballet 1 - I'm wearing two sports bras......