Hello Ballet, It's Me, Jacy

It was one of those days...when you wake up and know right away you should just take a mental health day. And like most people, I climb into conscious with a feeling of anxiety and press forward anyway.  

But first, let me apologize to the little man I damn near trampled and woman I almost clothes lined on the 147 CTA bus this morning. The bus driver slamming on the brakes while driving northbound on LSD (Lake Shore Drive - NOT THE DRUG) obviously didn't realize that I wasn't attached to anything. I take this as sign number one that I should have stayed my ASS IN BED!

Second, I get to work after a song filled morning (I mean that literally) and find that I have 30 plus emails that require a determination and focus that I'm sure was still hiding under my bedcovers. An mid-afternoon phone call with bad news later and I've about had it. 

I get home and immediately hid under the covers with Baby (my cat - who ironically acts like a baby) and try to decide if ballet is going to be worth the effort. I already know MDB is sending in the Pixie Chick for teaching tonight and (not really surprising) it's cold - but I rally deciding that mindlessly eating 3 servings of almonds isn't going to help my porky thighs. 

Side Note: Why don't pigs get cellulite?? Must be the thick skin....

So off I go knowing that at least the Olsen twins will be in attendance. I'm wrong - Mary Kate and Ashley have come and gone because the sub, Pixie Chick, is sick and her hubby had a medical emergency (no details - and NONE WANTED). There will be no class tonight - now I have a new dilemma - go to the gym in the morning or just deal with porky thighs??

So I stand in the mostly empty hallway looking into Mrs. B's advanced level ballet class. I'm watching in awe as the twig like creatures with feminine features struggle through the new transitions that Mrs. B has concocted to dumbfound the most determined of them. And for all their grace and fragility, they can still make THUDS on the ground like the rest of us earthbound creatures. And while I'm engrossed in my observations, the guy that hugs me rounds the corner...and you guessed it - HUGS ME. 

Side Bar: F**kin' friendly hormones!! UGH!

I hug him back because it's not a grope-y creepy come on to you type of hug, but an actual friendly, good to see to you hug - or maybe that's just how I see it. Since he seems completely fine with hugging me without knowing my name....

I say: UMMMM...and YOU ARE???

He introduces himself. I introduce myself. He says he's going to have to remember that. 

He says he wants to see me in Mrs. B's class. 

Side Bar: I don't see any pigs flying around here!?!?!

What I actually say is Mrs. B scares the crap outta me and I'm not going anywhere near there until I lose 30 lbs and gain it back in COURAGE! 

He laughs and says NAWW!! Mrs. B scares me too, but you just gotta make up your mind to do it and do it. 

I laugh and go back to watching class. He asks David a question and goes back to whatever studio he came from. 

I'm heading out the door and David tells me I can take Hip Hop, but I don't have gym shoes and I'm not taking Hip Hop in boots or ballet slippers - just not going to happen.  So I wonder back to my car.

Mr. Heinz cancelled yesterday. No MDB tonight...

I'm know I'm going to miss Tuesday night next week for sure - maybe Monday night too. 

Hello Ballet, It's Me, Jacy - I'm really trying to make an effort to be a good student. I've been going to classes for almost 7 months now and I like it even when my thighs and ass ache so bad that I fall outta my bed onto the floor and start swearing....Anyway, if you can hear me, I'd like to win the lottery and be a size 6....oh wait - those should be to God :)

Who You Callin' A Liar!?!?

After last night's adventure, I waiver on my determination to go back to class. Frankly, when I looked in the mirror last night I saw two giant hams fighting for space in a tight bag -it was NOT pretty. And that would be my thighs - not my TWINS!

So anyway, I go with a less showy print of belly dance pants, two bra sports bras, black top and black hoodie. I get checked in and walk to the back. The room is packed. There are 8 people already inside waiting for class to start. I do my usual winter strip tease that is anything but sexy since it involves hopping, balancing and swearing. 

I can hear MDB's footfalls before she rounds the corner and for someone so little, she knows how to make her presence felt :). I hand her an apple this time and tell her if I see her on Thursday she's going to have to get a cucumber because that's all that's left in the fridge.

MDB is really chatty tonight because 6 people are new to her class. We line up at the barre and do our standard plies with chambres and port de bras. We move through two tendu combinations, degages, rond de jambes, and frappes without the beats tonight.

Now we are ready to do the leg stretches at the barre and MDB asks everyone to start in second position and then pull their thigh back and into their socket to line up their belly button and their big toe (or something like that) and she's walking along the stationary barres. Because Ms. J, LBC and I are at the floor barre, she doesn't check us so she asks us if we did it. And we look at each other and I'm about to lie - but MDB says: LIAR!! 

Side Bar: BUSTED!!!

Menty: DENY, DENY, DENY. She doesn't know, she didn't see, admit nothing!

I say outloud: Uh huh - of course we did - followed by a toothy smile and laugh. 

MDB says lying is a good skill because if a teacher asks you always say yes! LOL 

I say: Now she's turning it into a compliment. 

The whole class is laughing now :) Maybe we should get a comedy routine....

Ok, I'm use to MDB calling herself a liar in class, but now she's calling me a liar, too!! So I also said this is going in a note!!

We go back to sissones - only forward this time because hell she didn't want 7 people not going backwards. And then we follow it with hops and skips with that funky one directional turn in one direction and then the twirl in the other direction. Insert MAJOR EYE ROLL!! From this point forward I'm going to love every freakin thing - otherwise it's going to happen every class.

Starting at the Beginning...Again

I hate missing ballet class. I hate it because no matter how long I've been going - I start emotional back at the beginning. 

Side Bar has hit repeat button on my insecurities - I'm too old, too fat, too 'anything' to do this. To add insult to injury, I tried something else new and hurt myself - Power Flow Yoga. 

I'm looking at myself in the mirror before class and I'm seriously considering getting under the covers and trying again tomorrow. I walk away from the mirror, put on my coat, scarf and gloves and head out the door. 

Once inside Joel Hall, I still feel like an impostor. Every step I take towards class makes me feel heavier and heavier, but I keep moving. I can hear MDB inside teaching another class and I peel away my layers and feel exposed. I chit chat with the Olsen twins (both Mary Kate and Ashley) have put in an appearance tonight. I tell them their nicknames. 

When I see MDB, we hug, I give her an orange and we take our places - she leads the class, I follow from my front barre position. There are 10 people in class tonight -9 women and 1 man. The man is actually an instructor and only stays for the barre portion of class.

MDB starts and I listen carefully to her slight southern accent reciting the usual plie combination. Then she recites a tendu combination, a degage combination, a ronde de jamb combination and frappe combination. She fusses at the end of each combination - do this, not this - watch for this, correct that - higher, lower, straighter, taller.  She even gets someone's 'ting' muscles - someone else's - NOT MINE!

I'm starting to feel less self-conscious. We stretch at the barre and then we go into battements. 

Menty: Just when we start feeling comfy...

Physie: Ummm....hips still ache from Power Flow Yoga.

Side Bar: Well then this should go really well! Or go straight hell....let's see shall we??

The battements are actually pretty decent. I still practiced while out in San Diego, but I couldn't do some of the more complicated combinations so I just stuck to the basics - plies, tendus, degages, frappes, rond de jambes and battements.  MDB actually tells me that the battements look better. 

Menty: Awww...shucks! Take THAT Side Bar!

We move into tendus forward and back, then degages forward and back - then sucker that I am (false sense of security) - MDB hits us upside the head with sissones! A sissone is a jump that starts with two feet and lands on one. And while the technique looks simple - it can also make you look QUITE STUPID when you aren't looking the right way or doing it incorrectly. Not to mention I hate jumping because my TWO TWINSare always in danger of breaking loose and knocking me UNCONSCIOUS! And NOT ONLY does she want us to do it forward - she also wants us to do it backwards!! At which point, Side Bar cuts loose with: Ok, we will do it forward and SOME OF US will DO IT BACKWARDS! I WILL NOT BE ONE OF THEM. 

I survive sissones without black eyes, injury or too much humiliation but then we move into traveling floorwork, which MDB also fusses through - but we actually make it through ONE exercise without fussing - Saute, Developee in BOTH directions no less. THIS IS TOTALLY NOTEWORTHY!!

We end class with a reverence and applaud MDB for another class survived. Before I leave, MDB and I hug two more times. Even if I don't start off technically from the beginning, I hate battling my insecurities every time I'm gone for a little while - but I keep pushing forward - even if I feel like I am starting at the beginning - again and again - and again. 

Tomorrow, Beginner Ballet/Ballet 1 - I'm wearing two sports bras......

Umm..what happened to the hard shit?

Normally Wednesday night ballet with Mr. Heinz starts with my stomachache at 6pm. I start to get nervous. My stomach starts to feel a little queasy, my mouth gets dry, my palms get sweaty. Side Bar goes into full swing:

Side Bar: What fresh hell is Mr. Heinz going to cook up tonight? Some weird count? Some french pastry we've never heard of? Some foreign footwork pattern guaranteed to make me look foolish, silly, or otherwise ready for a strait jacket? Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do you even bother?

Menty: Because I'm not afraid of a challenge, damn it! I would rather stop going because I CAN'T make it instead of chickening out. I CAN DO THIS! 

But tonight, I know Spunk is going to be there. I have a friend in class. I will have someone I can roll my eyes with and she will laugh and know that I'm about to royally screw sh*t up! The sisters have also warmed up - but again - I don't know how much of this is because I was so fearful and self-conscious around all of them. Spunk doesn't take the class tonight, but we have business because I'm supporting one of her performances. She's kind enough to stay for the duration of class even if she doesn't take it. I <3 her. 

Class gets started and only one of the regulars is in class. The sisters, Spunk and Ms. Curly Hair aren't in class. The older lady is in class, but everyone else is new or not as regular. But considering I've missed a lot of classes - I can't gage. 

The whole barre exercise is done facing the barre, which is only slightly a problem since everyone else is at a barre in the center of the floor - and I'm at one attached to the wall. We do basic plies - demis and grandes - repeatedly. We do tendus - first, second, fifth - left side, right side. We do more tendus with a different pattern. We move into degages. When we make it to ronde de jambes, I have to join some of the people at the barre because otherwise I will kick the wall. I catch a glimpse of Spunk who has threatened to take a picture of me in class - ICK!!

Side Bar: Ok, ok, ok - what the hell happened to all the hard shit?

Menty: Maybe he's sick? Or maybe it's because all the new people in class???

Side Bar: Maybe we should get a thermometer! Seriously? Seriously! He has been torturing our ass since last year August with all that really difficult shit and this is the FIRST CLASS OF THE NEW YEAR? I don't know if I'm disappointed or RELIEVED!!

We put the barres away and get ready for floorwork aka the PART I HATE THE MOST! And I'm ready for some crazy combinations of glissade, assemblage, arabesque, changement - blah, blah, blah. No one wants to stand in the front (WHICH I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND), but I figure - screw it - I'm having a spectacular class tonight - I'll embarrass myself in front of all the newbies. He gives us an easy adagio of tendus forward and back - then he changes the tempo, then he changes the tempo again. Then we do glissades very slowly - thank goodness - in each direction. And then he changes tempo - then he changes tempo again. We move into assemblages - again slowly then quickening the pace. He ends the class with four changements with one assemblage which alternates. He makes us do this four times - then four more times - then four more times. After the second round, we think he's done - NOPE - ONE MORE FREAKIN' TIME!! DUDE - IF JUMPING MAKES YOU YOUNG -I'M NOW 16 YEARS OLD!!!!

Mr. Heinz thanks us all for coming to class....we all deep sigh and thank him for class too. 

Side Bar: Really? That's it? That's class? 

Menty: Maybe it just gets progressively harder?

Side Bar: Or Mr. Heinz's New Year resolution was to actually teach a BEGINNER FREAKIN CLASS!

Menty: Don't know. Don't care. I just finish my first Mr. Heinz's class WITHOUT the usual stomachache, nervousness, mental stress and confusion.  I'm considering it a class WELL DONE!! 

And so I finished class wondering - ummm...what happened to all the hard shit from last year??

On Another Note

I dressed, I packed, I drove, I registered and I danced. 

But so much of my life is lived between those words. To type them you would think that all happened in ten minutes - twenty minutes max - but it didn't. That was three hours and 15 minutes of my life that I can't get back. And it was worth EVERY SECOND!!

I really missed MDB over the last two weeks. My Christmas and New Year's Eve were full of family, friends, food and fun. And I missed MDB and ballet a good portion of it. When given the opportunity to really push myself during that two weeks - with different instructors, higher levels, intricate patterns - I faltered. 

Today, I pulled on my belly dance pants, sports bra and fitted tank with happiness. I packed up my ballet slippers and water bottle with glee. I smiled at David and hugged MDB. I even told them about my New Years Eve story. 

I happily stood at a new place at the barre. I didn't need to be in front tonight. I knew MDB would see me wherever I stood in class and she would correct me if I needed it or Double Dog Dare me to push outta my comfort zone. 

Class was really full tonight. There were 8 of us at the barre and two more on the additional barre. Class was 8 women and 2 men. MDB started with her usual plies with port de bras and chambres. Then we moved into tendus with demi to full pointe first, second and fifth - more tendus with alternating front and back foot. We flowed through degages with a coupe and straight legged frappes. We stretched and then we did grand battements. 

At one point, MDB gives someone a correction and she mentions that my shoulders are super flexible. But the correction didn't seem to have anything to do with me. Apparently the girl behind corrected her arms because she saw mine were different. To which I responded - What did that have to do with me?!?! To which MDB responded - I correct myself based on my comparisons to other dancers in the room when I could be doing just fine.  

We moved onto the floor for our adagio and followed with sissones. Side Bar, Menty and Physie were all silent. No funny commentaries - no side banter. I was completely present. I didn't disappear into my mind trying to make sense of what was happening. I could stay there. I made mistakes - my elbow wasn't always lifted, my turnout wasn't always right, my balance came and went.

Menty: We can do this. You have to crawl before you walk, and walk before you run.

I did. I didn't do it right every time, but I could do it. And I wasn't afraid of making a fool of myself. 

We move into petit allegro and we do the spins that I mentioned from Legs class. MDB calls it my spin - but I don't want to adopt sissones, glissades or assemblages as mine!! 

When class is over, I hug MDB again. I'm only going to see her twice this week. She makes class a safe place and I love her all the more for it. I wish there were more teachers like that.

Question from a Reader

Mr. Heinz cancelled class this evening. I haven't been home on a Wednesday night since 2009 and I almost don't know what to do with myself!! My California tribal belly dancing friend, Lori, has sent me a question. So I'm going to take this Adventure opportunity to respond.

Lori Tawasha writes: Soooo, I have a question for you! Since you've been studying ballet, what are the changes/effects that it's had on your belly dance instruction/performing? Or just in general--life, body, mind...? Your public wants to know. (:

I've been thinking about these questions from the time I've started, but I've been trying to think of the best way to verbalize all the things I've been thinking, feeling, absorbing as a student, as a dancer, as a performer and as a teacher. There is so many things to say, but I don't know if I have the words.....

I honestly don't know that it has made a change in my belly dancing instruction. I definitely have more appreciation for belly dance instructors. All of my ballet instructors have been sink or swim types. You go to class, you line up at the barre, they show you a combination - they hit the play button. If you don't know what a tendu, frappe, fondu is - you better pay close attention and be quick on the uptake! That is the nature of the beast - some ballet instructors don't show you combinations at all. They TELL YOU! 

As for my performing, again, I don't know.  The most recent performances haven't felt anything out of the usual or anything more spectacular. And before I ever started ballet, Christina of Blue Lotus Tribe once said that she could feel my stage presence before I even made it to the stage.  So I've tagged some people that have seen my recent performances to weigh in on this one. 

In general (life, body, mind), I think about movement differently.

I think about dancing differently.

I think about how these two forms of dance are viewed differently by the general public. 

It makes me more diligent in my belly dancing practice at home, with my dance partner, with my students. 

I think about music differently - not just the melody, the rhythm, the count. I think about all of them together, separately, what they say, how they say them.

High school is the only other time I've been this self-conscious about my body - which is also a time I was dancing.  Belly dancing embraces my figure in all its curvy glory. Ballet makes me want to cover it up with it's long, hard lines and straight edges -which I don't have. 

The most important thing is that I'm not afraid to try. There are days when it's harder than others. There are days where I go out of habit - not out of strength of character. There are days when I cry, when I'm scared, when I'm ashamed, when I'm embarrassed, when I really wish the floor would open up and drop me and all of my curves into oompa loompa land - but I'm not afraid to try. I'm hoping that this will lead to this attitude in other parts of my life where I am not so courageous, but for now - this is enough. 

Those are the words, but there are so many more......