Half Way to....Where was I going??

I layered and layered, shivered and shook, drove and ran to my beginner ballet class tonight....and it was cancelled. I was the only person waiting for ballet to start, so I came home, cooked dinner (instead of doing yoga) and decided to type. 

I've decided that I'm going to end this ballet adventure one year from the date I first mustered up the courage to take my first class. So this is technically the midway or a little pass midway point. I walked into class the last week of May 2010. 

When I first started, I was full of apprehension, fear and uncertainty. What if I'm the 'fat' one? What if it's really hard? What if I'm bad at it? What if they want me to wear a leotard? What if I have to wear PINK?!?!?

WHAT IF???  

And what I know is - IF I never made the attempt, I would have always regretted not trying. 

There has been doubt, fear, aches, pain and tears.

I've gone home from my ballet classes- feeling fat, feeling despair, feeling uncertain, doubting my talent, doubting my body, wanting to quit, wanting to scream, wanting to throw up my hands and wanting McDonald's large fries and a caramel sundae - with nuts.

I have also gone home - feeling proud, feeling tired, feeling victorious, feeling competent, feeling happy to be alive, feeling stronger, and being so achy that I turned into a prune in the bathtub because I had to figure out if I could ROLL up the SIDE!! (AND I CAN! but it's really embarrassing!)

And even as I type this, I know I'm going to go to Mr Heinz class tomorrow (assuming it will go if anyone other than me shows up), but I still have doubts. My last class with him I did so much better that he actually hugged me when it was over. Side Bar chimes in - maybe it was because you told him you won't be back for 2 months??

In MDB's class, I feel safe. I make mistakes. I bitch about assemblages, sissones and glissades. I can openly hate those things and be afraid of echappes.

In Mr Heinz's class where everyone is beyond beginner in the BEGINNER CLASS, I feel like the weakest link. Like I need to shut up and disappear, even though Side Bar refuses to be cowed into silence. When I go to his class, I need my armor - I need to be in black, I need to have two sports bra, I need to be in Spanx so my ass doesn't laugh at me when I'm doing springing releves!!! And knowing all of this - I will go because I refuse to be 'afraid' to try. 

So I've learned that I don't have to be afraid to try. Even the best dancers aren't perfect - they still make mistakes. WHAT IF is a terrible way to let my life go by. The size of my thighs (imagined or real) will not stop me from going to class. Practice doesn't make perfect, but as close to perfection as ANYONE can get. I can really do anything that I want as long as I'm not afraid. 

So this is me - halfway to finishing my beginner adventure. I don't know what I will type when I get to that last week in May 2011. I don't know what else I will learn. But I want to continue learning, growing and testing my boundaries, so I will. 

Thank you to everyone that has commented, liked, or read these notes. It's like having a support team at my fingertips that can confirm I'm crazy as hell, but think it's great that I'm doing it anyway.